The star you can reach, but may burn to touch.
I'm speechless. :-)
I love You, God. :-)
I love my family. :-)
I love my SF's. :-)
I love my college friends. :-)
I love my twinny. :-)
I love Pax...very much so. :-)
I am so blessed for all these blessings in my life. Thank You, Lord for blessing me with another year to fulfill my missions in life. :-)
So far...I'm happy...but I feel like something's missing still. So I'm still not completely happy. I really appreciate the greetings though. I'm really thankful for those. :-)
But I still feel incomplete. *sighs*
I wanted to blog since yesterday...well actually, the days before that already. But it seemed like I couldn't form any intelligent words. All I know is that I was so angry, so mad, so frustrated...yeah, you get the point. You know it's bad when there's homicidal thoughts involved. I never liked violence, but at that point I just wanted to start already and go against what I believe in. I wanted to attack, to let them know what they did and are still doing is beyond wrong. Maybe I'm exaggerating, but can you blame me? I feel like I've been stepped on, kick to the curb, like I've been beaten up by a gang and was just left lying there holding on to life. That was what I really felt. I felt like I've been pushed aside...and really far because I'm not important to them, because we're not friends...and my fiance is more important to them, I don't matter. It might seem like a little thing to them, or it might mean nothing to them...but I'm just fed up...tired of keeping all of these feelings inside, pretending that I'm okay with what they were doing to me, pretending that I'm fine, because I'm being the good fiancee of their friend who they keep flirting with...and like what Taylor Swift had said in her song..."bulletproof". I'm done with the good girl act. I'm through playing nice.
I'm ready to attack anytime soon. Just you wait. Try me.
Some people are just disrespectful in so many ways. The world is so full of douchebags now. Not saying I'm perfect, but really...I'm at least trying my best to be respectful towards other people at all times, even those who don't deserve it.
A little respect is all I ask.
Avoid flirting with a taken person. It's just disrespectful to the other person that person you're flirting with is. If it's nothing to you, well it certainly is not just nothing to me.
Plurk should be shut down.
*end of rant*
Wishlists are everywhere during this time of the year. I used to make one too, but I never get anything in that list no matter how long that list is and because of it, I used to get disappointed and sulk. I'm not even exaggerating, it's true. Which is why this time, no more wishlists for me, and I think it's time to be more matured about this.
I rarely receive material gifts during this season, even if December is Christmas month AND my birth month. I'm not complaining though. It taught me to enjoy what I have and be contented with it, and it also taught me to really appreciate what Christmas is all about...and that's the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ. I never forget to greet Him every Christmas eve and morning, it makes me really happy. And I really really love Christmas, and I'm now glad that for me, it doesn't mean numerous gifts or any other material stuff on Christmas day...because it won't bring me any disappointments if I don't get what I want, I could just enjoy Christmas and the unexplainable happiness it brings. And if I get gifts from people, I can't help but feel really happy because I'm not asking for anything but they still take the time to give me something.
Once the -ber month comes in, I can't help but feel excited. It's like the little kid in me is being awakened and I can't help but play Christmas songs so early...I just get really excited. I love Christmas...I love the happiness it brings to everyone...the family bonding and everything, spending it with your loved ones...if I'm surrounded with the people I love, that's already a gift for me. I've learned not to ask for anything anymore especially to my parents, and I'm glad. This year has been tough financially-speaking for our family and I'm already thankful enough that we are still complete, that we can still eat three meals a day, go to work/school, have at least decent clothes to wear and that we still have the stuff that we need for school/work such as the computers and the phones. That's also gift enough for me. Having true friends that I can count on anytime is a gift too. The love of my life, though he is far for now, still loves me as much as I love him...and I'm really thankful for that.
I'm glad to not have been raised with material things...because it makes me appreciate the more important things in life and what Christmas is really about...and it's about love. :)
Merry Christmas!
xoxo
P.S. Though if I could ask for one material thing...plane tickets, please? :))
I've been feeling particularly mushy for more than a week now...and I have to blame one person for that...my very special handsome someone :-P I'm so glad that the emo-ness of the past weeks have been totally replaced by this overwhelming mushy feeling and romantic mood. It feels like everything's so new again, like when we've just begun, and it feels so amazing, that it even made being sick bearable. =)
On a random note (no worries, this is kinda related), I heard the new Glee songs and I was surprised that one of the songs that they covered for this week's episode was Crush by Jennifer Paige...and I had that song as my status in my AIM before for Pax...too bad I lost the courage to put it up when he was actually online. It was so lame...but yeah...it was my song for him before when I was just starting to fall for him. :))
Anyways, I'm really really really happy now and I hope to make this last forever. I'm determined. =)
Lois Lane, Mary Jane...it must be hard to be like them. They both have a superhero for a boyfriend/husband who is always needed anytime, anywhere, when the situation calls for his help and most of the time, it can't wait and it's their duty and responsibility to help people in need. What if they were in the middle of a date or just their couple time and people suddenly need his help? Then he has to set it aside and help the people first. But of course, the girl should understand and accept the fact that other people need him too. It's part of the package. And if I were in their place I'd think it's actually an honor to be with a superhero because at least in between his busy and in demand schedule, he still finds time to be with his leading lady, even for just a short but sweet while, and even if she can't have him fully yet, at least she has most of him. :)
This is not a reference to a Madonna song. :-P I felt inspired suddenly last night while I was in bed and I decided I'm gonna write about it today.
In this blog I'm gonna talk about my version of the ups and downs of being friends with a member of the opposite sex. My version, which means what I'm gonna tell here is just based on my experiences and observations. It may not be true in your case, but it's true in mine. This also does not apply to all guys, but from some guys I've been friends with.
It's fun having guy friends. In my honest opinion, it's actually easier to make friends with guys than girls. Maybe because, like Pax had said, girls innately hate each other, which I'm starting to see now too. Hahaha! In my 17 years of experience of making friends, it really takes some effort to make girl friends. Whereas when I made friends with guys, all it took was just small talk and jokes, then voila...instant guy friend. A guy friend is also easier to talk to. They rarely get offended by what you say, unless it's really below-the-belt offensive or that guy is super sensitive. Sometimes they take it as a joke instead. For a girl like me who sometimes can't control what she says out loud, that is really helpful. When I'm with the girls, I always have to control what I say because girls are even more sensitive (not all, but most) and I know that, even I'm guilty of it. So basically I have an easier time being myself with the guys other than with the girls.
The downside (it depends though, it's not always a downside) of this though is that borderline of friendship. It's true that you can't help who you fall for, so you can fall easily for your guy friend. I mean this has happened to me twice already, when I was 17-18 I fell for my bestfriend and it almost ruined our friendship but we recovered from it, thank God. And then when I was 18 turning to 19, I once again fell for my newest bestfriend at that time, and the advantage of being bestfriends is that we know each other really well in such a short time that we've spent with each other that when we got together it was really easy for us already, we didn't have to adjust much.
It gets difficult though when the feeling is not mutual. You might fall for your friend but the friend wants to be just that...a friend, nothing more, nothing less. This is like the classic story already. The unrequited love...we all know that, hell there are lots of songs about that. But sometimes, it just isn't meant to be. This also has happened to me already, a friend has fallen for me but I don't feel the same way, and I had fallen for a friend but he doesn't feel the same way. It's hard when you want to cross that borderline, because you put the friendship at risk. I have already lost some friends because of this, but maybe it just really isn't meant to be. Like that time before when I have avoided this person who used to be my friend, I avoided him because I felt uncomfortable with what he was saying to me and his actions towards me too and the way he looks at me, and he even misunderstood my niceness as being interested to him when in truth I was just really comfortable with us being friends. So I avoided him and he got mad and it was the end of our friendship. If you're in that situation and you would want to save that friendship, that's probably the best thing you could do...just accept the fact that you're probably just better off as friends and don't hope for anything more, rather just enjoy the friendship, and if you were in my situation, honesty is the best policy. Just tell him/her the truth that you just want to stay friends and that it was making you uncomfortable so he/she would be aware instead of giving him/her false hopes. It's really a hard thing to do because people sometimes would get defensive and say that it was not his/her intention anyways, when it was in fact obvious, but at least you were honest that you were feeling uncomfortable, that would at least make him/her aware.
And wow...this blog is long so I'mma stop rambling now. And once again, I'm gonna repeat, this was just based on my experiences and observations, so you're free to agree or disagree, it's not applicable to all, I just wanted to share my view on this matter. Well I hope you learned something at least. :)
We've reached our 21st month :D Yay! :D I'm still so happy and so in love with you love, and it grows even stronger as time passes. I love you so so so soooooooooooooooooo much, my love, my Wonder Boy. :D
Only a few months now before our 2nd year together. And I'm so freakin' excited. :D
If we were closer...he could give me the hugs and kisses I need especially on a bad day. Most of the time he's the only one who can really make me feel better and I think it's unfair that he's on the other side of the world. I wish he was here instead. Only he knows how to take care of me and make me feel better. I can tell everything to him and he doesn't judge me. Heck, he even knows me better than most people I know who are closer to me physically and he understands me better maybe because we're a couple of misunderstood people but it makes us more epic. We're basically soul mates. And no one could ever replace him and what we have.
I just wish I could get him here right now.
So my first semester finally ended last week, last Wednesday to be exact. I wasn't sure how to feel about it at first. Of course, part of me was so relieved that finally, requirements and deadlines and all those academic pressures are over for at least two weeks. And then part of me is still nervous about finding out the results of your hard work...could they be enough to save myself from a 5? One said apparently not enough. *sigh*
But still, so far I know I've passed two subjects already. The other two are still unknown at the moment and they're making me nervous still. Hahaha! But what the heck, last weekend I decided to forget it for a moment and to just enjoy that time with my SF's and plus one's. It was fun and tiring, and I did miss sleep. Hahaha!
Now...feeling used...why?
I don't know either. I just feel like for some reason I'm being used. I mean, I'm not one to ask for something in return when I give, but still...there's a certain limit to that. Sometimes I feel like people only talk to me when they need something, and it sucks, but I still give anyways...hoping that it would be appreciated. Sadly, I don't even feel that much appreciated. *sigh*
Well anyway, I guess I'll just enjoy these weeks without classes while I can. Yay for "us" time love. :D
Yay for Paxmay's 21st month. :D
So it's October 7th...you know what happened that day 2 years ago? If you do...then you're either Pax or Sam or you just really know us...and that doesn't count. :))
But for those who have no idea or just don't care...I don't care either...I would tell anyways because I'm just really happy and amazed.
There I was, an empty piece of a shell,
Just minding my own world,
Without even knowin' what love and life were all about
Then you came,
You brought me out of the shell
You gave the world to me
And before I knew, there I was so in love with you
You gave me a reason for my being
And I love what I'm feelin'
You gave me a meaning to my life
Yes, I've gone beyond existing
And it all began when I met you
Yes, cliche song is cliche, but I don't care...that song is true anyways. :)) October 7th of the year 2007 is the day I met Pax and even if our first conversation was really embarrassing (at least for me) it would always be amazing and magical for me because who knew that stupid lol reply would lead me to the love of my life? :)) Fate, it's what it is. It's just meant to be. :-)
And it really all began when I met him. :-)
Paxmay is going strong...and even stronger together as time goes on. Too bad for those people who were hoping for the opposite. ;-)
Today, September 29th of the year 2009, is Paxmay's 20th month of being an epic couple. We're only a few months away from our 2nd year together, and I couldn't help but be excited. I know that the length of time that you have been together doesn't really matter, but I still can't help but let out a happy sigh everytime I think of how long we have been together already, though in all honesty, it still feels a lot longer than that. :)
So it's been 1 year and 8 months and I still fail at words...sorry love...I just really couldn't express how happy I am with you. You're my everything...and I love you so so so soooooooooooooooooooo much and more and more each day. :) And yes, it's actually possible to love you more, I do. :-P
And now I'm just really excited and looking forward to be with you forever love. :-)
I'm sick at the moment typing on my phone in my bed, and I'm sorry for the emo post. I can't help it.
I've been asking myself lately what am I really good at...and I couldn't think of an answer. Whatever I could think of, there's always someone else who's doing a better job at it. I don't excel at anything...I'm not special.
Not only that, but I also feel like in general, I'm not special. I don't know if people would even notice if I'm gone. Maybe just two persons would. I don't know my worth anymore.
I'm just feeling lost at the moment and I need to find myself again. I think I have to do what my friend did...take a break from social networking sites and just visit them when I need to. I will be using IM of course but will only talk to a few people. I just need a break, or recharge as Pax had said. Hopefully something good will come from this.
I've just gone to check Multiply for updates from some of my teachers (they upload their slides there and post updates about our exams, etc.) when I went to check on my page and Pax's Multiply page. I haven't really opened it for a long time now, and looking at Pax's posts back then made me smile a lot, especially the one he posted on February 4th. Reading that one almost made me cry again, it really still has the same effect -- heart beating wildly and teary eyes. It was the start of our forever, and even if we lack the ring for now, I still feel so complete knowing that I'm his and he's mine. :-) We've had a weird week, it was probably just the stress and sickness going on, but reading that makes me forget everything else and just think of him and me and how we really are perfect for each other and that he's always going to be the only one for me, and it makes me feel like I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
*happy sigh*
I just had to let it out. :-)
Glee is downloading now at the time that I'm writing this. Finally.
A few people whom I've talked to knows why I couldn't watch Glee, at least before. I mean, it's a really good show with good music and such...it's actually the kind of show that would get me hooked on it fast and when I saw the previews for it back then I really wanted to watch it already. One thing was holding me back though, and getting over it was a really big leap for me. It seems silly, but it's really true...I'm insane like this...and maybe that's why I'm being compared to Rachel. :))
So the real reason why I couldn't watch it (I tried before though, but it was just...bad) was because the Finn-Quinn-Rachel love triangle reminds me of um...some things from the past. I had a similar thing happen to me. I fell for the perfect guy who happened to be my best friend, but he had a girlfriend at that time. And the girlfriend was this manipulative witch (or bitch, slut, whore...or slore) and ironically, she's a blonde too. :)) The girlfriend basically made me feel like I'm nothing special, that I have no place in the perfect guy's life. :)) She was really evil...she knew my weak spots and how to hit them. She flirted with the perfect guy in places that she knew I would see them, and she made sure to remind me everyday that it was her who won and I was the loser. It was really like we were in a movie or something, and I wasn't liking it. The thing is, it would have been okay if I wasn't affected at all...but everytime I see them say sweet things to each other, or at least just the girl, it was like I was being stabbed in the chest over and over again, and like I was being punched in the stomach...it was so bad that I threw up and cried everytime. I hated the fact that I got so affected because it meant that she was really winning. Of course I didn't let the perfect guy know about that...because I mean...I thought I was in no place to say things like that. How could I tell him that I get hurt everytime they talk, everytime she flirts with him, when I am in no place to get hurt or jealous anyways...I was just the bestfriend and she was the girlfriend. It went on for almost 2 months and I seriously thought of just giving up...but the one thing that made me stay was the fact that I really love this guy so much...and if it's the only way that we can be close...if I just had to be his friend, then I would just take that. But of course, anyone who knows Paxmay knows that we did end up together, and it was the start of an epic love story.
Which is why when I tried to watch Glee the first time, and seeing Finn with Quinn, it was like opening closed wounds again. Memories started rushing back in my mind, especially when I watched a video of Rachel singing Take A Bow...I had a lot of moments like that...singing emo songs with my hairbrush and crying. :)) It got to the point that I felt this chest pain and it wouldn't go for hours...it was that bad. :)) I guess you can call that trauma from what had happened before. But talking to Pax about it again and clearing things up somehow helped me realize a lot of things and just focus on the better part.
The past doesn't matter, what matters is now. It was a quote from the movie "If Only" and I remembered how that line hit me. I realized today that the slore may have had him first, but he and I shared a whole lot more special moments together, even before we got together. Even just as bestfriends we had a lot of special memories together, and we had a special bond that he and the slore didn't have...we're bestfriends. I know him much better than she does. And the most important thing of it all is that I got his promise of marriage...and realizing that was really enough for me to feel amazing again. :-)
So I think I'm prepared enough now to be able to watch Glee. Well...here it goes.
EDIT: It's official...I really am as insane as Rachel. :))
I need special hugs right now...I feel lonely and I wouldn't be happy again until tomorrow evening. :-(
*sighs*
*Random Ramblings 1.0 is in Multiply. And I do mean it when I say this post is just...random. Read at your own risk.*
-Start of RR1.1-
I've come to realize my life seems so routinary. On weekdays I wake up, eat breakfast, take a shower, brush my teeth, go to my classes, go home, do homeworks or projects, sometimes I meet up with friends when I have time...this routine has been going on since I was in high school. Looking at it now, it's not exciting at all. I mean, no offense to my friends, I do have fun when I am with them, but still...it seems like there's something missing still.
I don't really know why I'm writing about this right now...maybe I'm just bored, and also it feels good to be able to express some thoughts in my head, whether people pay attention to this or not, I've at least let this out. I never really have the chance to tell other people about my life, it just seems like no one's interested and also, I don't know where to start. I've had lots of experience before where people ask me to tell them about my life, but I never get to finish my story because either I was interrupted or they just left. :)) So I think I'm glad I made an account in this blogging site, I can't really express thoughts like this on my multiply. I'm really sorry about this random post...this is just how my mind works most of the time...a lot of people can't really keep up...and this is another proof that Pax is magic. :))
Speaking of Pax, I've told him this already but I'm gonna share it here too...he's really the only one in my life who can keep me sane by being insane...if that makes sense at all. :)) He's the only one who makes my life exciting right now, at least in my definition of exciting. Once again, I love my friends, but still...I don't get to do a lot of the things I want to do with them, just some. Pax and I are basically soulmates, and he's the only one who can understand my addiction to some things *lawls*. I'm really lucky and blessed to have him. :-) I love you so much, love. :-*>:D< *Playing in the background: I'm tired of being alone, so hurry up and get here...I'm so tired of being alone, so hurry up and get here...get here...*
-End of RR1.1-
It's normal for a couple to have misunderstandings...even for a not-so-normal couple like us. A lot of people who know us probably think we don't fight or we don't have moments like that, and well...it's slightly true. We don't fight, but we also have moments where in one of us would say something that we don't really mean to (this is usually me, because I'm a victim of monthly visits which is like...the evil thoughts possess my mind monthly) and then realize later that it has hurt the other...and during those times, one of us would leave to breathe (which is usually Pax) and leaving the other to breathe as well... and there, while we're apart we would realize what had went wrong, so when the other comes back...we talk calmly about it and finally make up. And while I don't really like the moments where we misunderstand each other like that, I cherish the moments where we make up because then we're reminded why we love each other in the first place, and it's during those moments that it feels like we're falling in love with each other all over again...just like the first time.
But what I really love after those moments is the moment he says those three sweet words...that phrase that has the power to erase all bad memories and thoughts...and just leaves everything good. The moment he says "I love you", it's like...(as cheesy as it sounds) magic. :-)
So I guess it's really true that a little bit of "fighting" is healthy for a relationship, only because making up makes everything sweeter. Just a little bit of it though. :-P
For you I give a lifetime of stability
Anything you want of me, nothing is impossible
For you, there are no words or ways to show my love
Or all the thoughts I'm thinking of
Cause this life is no good alone
Since we've become one,
I've made a change
Everything I do now, makes sense
All roads end, all I do is for you
For you I share the cup of love that overflows
And anyone who knows us knows
I would change all faults I have,
For you there is no low or high or in between
Of my heart that you haven't seen
Cause I share all I have and am
Nothing I've said's hard to understand
All I feel I feel deeper still, and always will
All this love is for you
Every note that I play, every word I might say
Every melody I feel
Are only for you and your appeal
Every page that I write, every day of my life
Would not be filled without the things
That my love for you now brings
For you I make the promise of fidelity
Now and for eternity
No one could replace this vow
For you, I'd take take your hand heart and everything
And add to them a wedding ring
'Cause this life is no good alone
Since we've become one you're all I've known
And if this feeling should leave, I'd die
And here's why, all I am is for you
Everything i do now makes sense
All roads end, all I do,
Is for you
:-)
He's really still the only one who can make my heart jump a mile even with just a simple message. :-)
I love you so much, my love. :-*
For if it wasn't for those two things, I wouldn't have been able to talk to a friend who I've been hiding from in YM for like two weeks now since he told me something about wanting to talk about his lovelife and mine. It turned out to be a good conversation...and it made me realize stuff.
He's one of my gay friends...yes...I have many...let's just say I'm kinda a gay magnet. And the real reason why I was hiding from him was that I easily get bored and annoyed listening to him talk about his new boyfriend (ever since he had admitted to me that he's gay, he told me about three different guys he has had a past with). But since my love is away on vacation and I've got nothing better to do anyways with my spare time, I decided to get back to him today...and surprisingly, I enjoyed the conversation I had with him. He has made me realize a lot of stuff that inspired me even more about my own relationship.
So the lesson I learned for today is to not push aside friends when they want to talk to you...who knows what new things I'll learn from them? Like this time...it's really good to know that there is someone close to you who understands your situation and doesn't judge.
I'm really glad I talked to him today. :-)
Why is it that when you want time to go faster, it seems to move even slower...and vice versa?
No matter how much I try to keep happy and entertained, I still go back to feeling empty right after.
I need my source of happiness.
I just wish it's Friday again. *sigh*
It's nice to smile when I get your phone call at night
But I'd rather have you here with me
Right next to me
And I miss the way you hold me tight
I've got to let you know I feel so weak without your touch
I never thought that I could ever love a man so much
I've gotta let you know I think that we are destiny
For you I'd cross the world for you
I'd do anything
This song came on my player suddenly...and I've realized that this is my current state right now. Although this is actually just a temporary leave...he just left for a day short of a week vacation and I'm left here...blank.
In a way, I think this is good. I'm looking at it as a preview of what could happen if he just *knocks on wood* left me...and this is clearly my answer.
I just feel blank without him. Even if we can actually still talk a little, I still feel empty. When he's at home or in the dorm in the Uni, I feel okay, I feel safe and secure...so unlike right now.
*sigh*
