Disappointments

...I've had a lot these past months. With myself, with other people...a lot.

I'm disappointed with myself a lot. 'Nuff said.

I'm disappointed with other people. Some I have even considered as friends. I guess it was my fault for expecting too. I shouldn't have expected from them. It was my fault for trusting and depending easily. In a way I should be thanking you for teaching me these lessons that I've forgotten. Next time, I won't give my trust easily.

It feels so much like high school drama and I hate it.

Panning

"Gold panning is mostly a manual technique of sorting gold. Wide, shallow pans are filled with sand and gravel that may contain gold. The pan is submerged in water and shaken, sorting the gold from the gravel and other material." - Wikipedia

On friendships...I didn't know it could be so complicated. I thought friendships were supposed to be easy. Like it should come naturally, right? The problem is how you keep a friendship. I'm really not an expert on this since I've apparently lost a lot of people whom I consider friends before in my life so I don't know. Maybe I'm just not born to be a good friend? Hahaha! Quite possibly. Maybe there's something wrong with me? Possibly too. Though I don't honestly know what. Hahaha! I've tried saving friendships before but it seems like they don't want it anymore so I don't force them to. It has happened a lot to me already that by now I'm really used to it and I don't really depend on anyone anymore, just with a few exceptions. I guess in my case, friends come and go along with boys. :))

I've had a lot of things happen to me lately, bad things...and I guess there's a reason why these are all happening to me, and somehow I'm thankful because it has helped me realize a lot of stuff. I can't say I don't need friends because quite a few of my friends are helping me go through this difficult phase in my life and I'm really thankful for them (you know who you are), but it's really times like this when I can separate the true friends from those who are not, like in panning where you separate the gold from other materials. So I'm somehow thankful that this has happened to me because now I know who my true friends are, and I'm thankful for them because they're sticking with me no matter how bad it is, because right now that's what I need in my life, a true friend. A true friend, not just in title because a lot of people can claim they're true friends even if just to have that title, but a true friend who's tried and tested and proven.

I wish I could give them gold medals for it. Hahaha!

1-29-2010

2 years ago, I asked him if we can be an us.

He said yes...and then ran his head under the sink. That was how cute and adorable my boyfriend at that time was.

1 year ago, we celebrated our first anniversary. Though we couldn't celebrate like "normal" couples do, like going out for dinner or movies, or going out of town, etc., it didn't matter...because while most "normal" couples could celebrate like that, not all of them have the love that he and I have for each other.

And that's what counts in anniversaries, right? Not just the years that you've just been together, but most importantly for how many days you have been falling in love with this person...in my case, it has been 731 days, and that was just the official date; I've been in love with this person for even longer than that. I still don't know what the exact date was but I knew I was starting to fall for him on the last week of October 2007, in the same month that I have met him.

Shortly after first anniversary, exactly 6 days after, this boyfriend became my fiance. He had made me the luckiest girl/woman on earth. It was the start of our forever.

Yesterday, it was our second anniversary. We still couldn't do the things that normal couples do, but I could care less about that...because at least this year, I've accomplished something that I think I haven't done before -- I made him cry...and not like the sad tears on December 2007, but this time, it was like the same tears that I shed last February 4th of 2009. A week before that things weren't going so well emotionally for both of us...we were so stressed and couldn't figure out what was wrong...but thankfully, we were able to fix the problem before our anniversary, and Paxmay is better than ever.

But I never thought it would get even better than that when our anniversary came. Honestly, I wasn't expecting anything, but he managed to make me feel so special...and once again, the luckiest girl/woman in the whole world. I've never felt loved like this before. And I still think that after all this time, maybe this was all just a dream...because there is no way that I deserve this kind of person who is really so perfect for me. Everything he does makes me fall for him even more, and I really thought it wasn't possible to fall for a person even more, but I was wrong. Everyday, I'm falling even more in love with him...I know it sounds like a cheesy line from a song or a movie, but these words have never spoken to me until yesterday.

Many times I have been envious of other couples that I see, usually when I'm walking alone around the campus, or browsing Facebook and other sites. Whenever I see them holding hands, taking pictures together, going on dates, I used to feel bitter because for now I couldn't have that "normal" couple thing. I couldn't have kisses or hugs, I couldn't hold his hand, and everyday I keep on wishing that he was with me. But then I see these same couples fall apart, and eventually break-up, I know guys who cheat while they were still together...and through those things I have realized how lucky I am. I have the most understanding, patient, honest, faithful, funniest and not to mention the cutest guy ever (who apparently looks like Jesse Bradford...I like My Sassy Girl so much more now). And while these couples have "now"...I have this future, and I'm holding on to the promise of 2014. =)

Like how he had said in his blog, I still also couldn't understand how he could say he's luckier...because I really think I'm luckier. I'm just this simple, normal, boring girl, and out of all the girls who are after him, he chose me, the one who was farthest from him. I don't understand why, though he is always trying to make me see...but I just couldn't wrap my head around it. One thing's for sure, I'm definitely not complaining.

So love, if you're reading this, I just want to thank you once again for loving me and accepting me as I am, for being honest and faithful, for turning my bad days into really amazing ones, for making me feel special and beautiful, and most importantly for staying with me even if I have many crazy hormonal moments which I couldn't control, and most especially thank you for staying when everyone was against us. Thank you for sharing yourself with me. I know I still don't deserve a guy like you, but God blessed me with you, and I would never complain. I thank God for you everyday. =)

I love you so so so so so so sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much :-*>:D< and so much more than words can express. =)

Here's to our forever. =)