Blooming

Earlier today, my co-advisees and I had a meeting with our adviser. He asked us to raise our hand if we did the task he assigned to us. To my surprise, out of 10 or 11 students, only 5 of us raised our hand. Our adviser then sent the other students out of his office to do what he had told them to do.

A few years ago, I was one of those students, like the ones who got sent out, who the professors think were the happy-go-lucky students. And I really was.

I didn't know how the good students studied or how they remember all those stuff or why they always want to finish projects early. I didn't know why it seemed so easy for them.

And now I've become one of those "good" students who do their homeworks early and make sure the answers are perfect, who aims for the perfect score versus the passing score, who aims to finish projects early instead of thinking of extension of deadlines.

I never expected it to feel this good. I actually feel respected now versus looked down on. I have gained self-confidence which helps me a lot nowadays. I now take the difficult lessons as challenges instead of being afraid of them. I push myself to perfection. And I like that feeling. How I wish I have done this earlier. I probably would have graduated already.

Having goals helps me feel motivated and inspired to do my best and give my best and not just satisfactory effort in everything that I have to do. I feel like I can do anything.

I have definitely transformed from a Computer Science weakling to one of the good nerds and I like that change.

I finally changed for the better. I have finally bloomed from a small bud to a beautiful flower. It took a long time, but now I know it is so worth it.

Drip Drop

I went home today with the bottom of my pants and my arms drenched. Other people who were like me probably complained and hated the weather.

One thing I found weird about myself was that I never really did find the rain annoying or stressful like most of the people I know do because they don't like their hair and/or clothes drenched in rainwater.

I don't know why I love the rain...I just do. The sound of the raindrops falling everywhere, and how they look as they drop and slowly fall on glass windows relaxes me. I could walk under the rain for a long time and never get tired. It just brings a certain comfort with it, like a comforting embrace from a friend.

Part of my love for rain, I think, was because when it rains...I feel like we're all equal. Because when it rains...it falls everywhere. Everyone who is outside gets wet even just a little. No one is really dry. We all get wet somehow.

Living in a tropical country where it is mostly hot and humid all year just makes me appreciate every rainfall. The cool breeze feels like a luxury since it is rarely cool in this country. So I'm always thankful for the rain.

I wish I could be kissed under the rain someday. ;-)

Bestfriend

My first bestfriend was our neighbor in our old apartment. We were bestfriends because we were the only girls in our compound so we played together a lot with our dolls. But after a few years they had to transfer to a new home. We didn't see each other much anymore after that and we rarely had contact with each other. I was sure I lost my first bestfriend...and sadly, I did.

The next bestfriend I had was when I was in fifth grade. I didn't get the chance to make friends during the times before that since I kept on transferring from one school to another from 2nd grade to 5th grade. On fifth grade though, my parents transferred me to another school and hired a transport service from home to school for me. She was in the same service as mine and we were apparently classmates. We bonded a lot and got closer to the point where in I went to her house a lot of times to hang out. We bonded over a lot of things since we both liked the same bands and singers and TV shows and books. Since she was one of the smartest kid in our class, she helped me with my studies too. I was getting good grades because she helped me study. She was the closest friend I ever had.

That went on until 6th grade. And then the high school entrance exams season began. She got into the high school that we both wanted. I didn't.

It was the most painful experience I had felt at 12 years old. I remember crying a lot because we were going to be separated and I would lose my bestfriend.

Though I didn't really lose her, we never talked as often as before, until it got to the point wherein we don't talk anymore. So once again, I was left without a bestfriend.

Throughout high school I never did make any solid friendships with anyone. It was not a good experience. Sure, I had acquaintances and friends I hung out with but didn't have close friends like my old bestfriend. I didn't find anyone who clicked with me.

And then college was really not the best place to find a bestfriend since everyclass you meet different people and they only last for a few months.

I had thought that maybe bestfriends weren't supposed to be searched and found. They're just something that happens. So I gave up the search and just focused on other things, especially my studies.

That's when my bestest friend appeared in the form of a Livejournal post. He posted something about the movie I liked at that moment, so I posted a comment and joined the same site he was in that was also based on that movie...and then it was the start of a lifelong friendship, the most cherished friendship of my life.

I feel so lucky to have someone who doesn't replace me or leave me for once. He enjoyed my company as much as I enjoyed his. He also listens to my rants and comforts me during hard times. He stayed with me even when people were against us. Not only is he my bestfriend, he also was my boyfriend, and now my fiancé. He was the only person who filled my loneliness and hopefully if God wills it, the person who would never leave me, who would stay with me forever.

I'm so blessed to finally have a bestfriend. I did not find him, instead, we found each other. It is a friendship that was meant-to-be. And it was so worth the wait. I can finally say I have my own bestfriend now. :-)

The Road

Have you ever woken up one day with the sun shining on your face and suddenly felt really inspired to reach your goals that you can even find real confidence in the sentence "I can do this"?

I haven't.

There were times when I wish inspiration comes that easy for me. Like, it just comes to me like a package being delivered on my front door. Because when you feel really inspired, it was like you are unstoppable...like you can do anything and everything you want to.

I had wished to feel that way all throughout my college life. For those who know me, college has been the hardest part of my life so far. I've never felt stressed like this before. When I was a high school senior preparing for college, it was so easy to think that I won't let stress get to me because I had only one thing in mind...I need to graduate from this university and that it would all be worth it in the end.

I never did quite expect that it would be this stressful.

It was even so bad that I had lost passion for my major and even started questioning my decision to take it. I started to think that I probably was too ambitious when my level of intelligence was not really enough for this since the institute I belonged in seemed to want to get rid of me, telling me that I was wasting the slot that was given to me, and that a more deserving kid should have gotten it instead.

I had thought that being rejected by the guy I thought I love was the worst rejection I had experienced in my life, until that time.

I felt the world, my world, and my future crumble into pieces. I felt stupid for thinking that I belonged there, that Computer Science is my life since I was so good at it in high school. For the longest time, I had thought that it was my so-called "calling".

At that time I felt like I had no choice but to give up and accept that I was wrong, but my family and close friends believed in me, something that I could not do.

But I did what they told me anyway, and I tried and tried again.

And I'm glad I did.

Because if I gave up, I would have never experienced the joy I am experiencing right now. The joy in studying my field, the joy in getting good grades and finishing lab exercises. The joy I feel everytime I tell my parents about my accomplishments for the day. The joy I am feeling because finally, I felt like I truly belong here. I finally felt that feeling - the feeling of being inspired.

I am now a 22 year old senior computer science student, and I am proud of it. I didn't graduate on time, but I feel like I needed a lot of time to learn to appreciate my field, to learn to embrace the hardships and to turn them as an advantage.

I took the hard road, and I tripped a lot and got injured on my way and even felt like giving up and turning around. Now that I can see my destination nearing though, all the pain and sufferings I've felt on my travel were instantly gone. I took the hard road, and made a new path. A path that was mine. I did not follow anyone's trail, I left my own.

I only have a few miles to go...and I am so pumped to reach that destination. With God as my map and compass and bottomless water jug in this long travel, I could never get lost. :-)

Am I the Same Girl?

I realized how long it has been since I last posted a blog....and there were so many things that happened in that span of time.

For starters, I'm finally a senior now. Like legit senior and if I do good in my academics, I would graduate in 2012. I'm so excited for that...so much that I'm so motivated to do good! :-)

Pax graduated already so that's another one of my motivations to finish this as soon as I can. I don't want to be left behind. :))

Also, my parents finally approve of my relationship with Pax, therefore I can now breathe easy and just concentrate on my studies without worrying much about anything else. I'm really so happy about that because it was only my parents' approval that I need to feel complete and now I feel like everything is almost perfect. Now I just need him here ;-)

Today dad celebrated his 50th birthday and well, I had a realization. I don't receive a lot of gifts, even when I was a kid I don't really get a lot of them. The only time I got a lot was when I celebrated my 18th birthday and it was because I had a big party then. I used to feel sad about that fact. The materialistic part of me used to even think that I'm not loved because I don't get as much gifts as other people do on their birthdays. That went on until I turned 19. I suddenly felt that I'm okay without gifts so long as people remember. I guess you can call it maturity of some sorts...or maybe I just got used to it that I just feel uncomfortable when I receive gifts.

Though I don't receive a lot of gifts, I do like giving them. I don't know why, but when I can I do find ways to give special people gifts on special days. I find myself feeling happy when I see the smile on their faces when they receive it.

I gave dad a shirt and a pair of shorts for his birthday because he was lacking casual clothes. And the smile on his face when he wore it today was worth all the money I spent for it. It was a really good feeling and I'm glad I get to do those things. :-)

Anyway I just felt the need to rant again and write something on this abandoned blog. I'll try to write here as often as I can because it is true that writing is therapeutic, at least for me, because no one stays long enough to hear my rants and sometimes I just really need to let them out even if no one is paying attention.

So I'm just gonna leave this here. And hopefully I'll have good thoughts again that I can write on here soon. :-)

Disappointments

...I've had a lot these past months. With myself, with other people...a lot.

I'm disappointed with myself a lot. 'Nuff said.

I'm disappointed with other people. Some I have even considered as friends. I guess it was my fault for expecting too. I shouldn't have expected from them. It was my fault for trusting and depending easily. In a way I should be thanking you for teaching me these lessons that I've forgotten. Next time, I won't give my trust easily.

It feels so much like high school drama and I hate it.

Panning

"Gold panning is mostly a manual technique of sorting gold. Wide, shallow pans are filled with sand and gravel that may contain gold. The pan is submerged in water and shaken, sorting the gold from the gravel and other material." - Wikipedia

On friendships...I didn't know it could be so complicated. I thought friendships were supposed to be easy. Like it should come naturally, right? The problem is how you keep a friendship. I'm really not an expert on this since I've apparently lost a lot of people whom I consider friends before in my life so I don't know. Maybe I'm just not born to be a good friend? Hahaha! Quite possibly. Maybe there's something wrong with me? Possibly too. Though I don't honestly know what. Hahaha! I've tried saving friendships before but it seems like they don't want it anymore so I don't force them to. It has happened a lot to me already that by now I'm really used to it and I don't really depend on anyone anymore, just with a few exceptions. I guess in my case, friends come and go along with boys. :))

I've had a lot of things happen to me lately, bad things...and I guess there's a reason why these are all happening to me, and somehow I'm thankful because it has helped me realize a lot of stuff. I can't say I don't need friends because quite a few of my friends are helping me go through this difficult phase in my life and I'm really thankful for them (you know who you are), but it's really times like this when I can separate the true friends from those who are not, like in panning where you separate the gold from other materials. So I'm somehow thankful that this has happened to me because now I know who my true friends are, and I'm thankful for them because they're sticking with me no matter how bad it is, because right now that's what I need in my life, a true friend. A true friend, not just in title because a lot of people can claim they're true friends even if just to have that title, but a true friend who's tried and tested and proven.

I wish I could give them gold medals for it. Hahaha!