Blooming

Earlier today, my co-advisees and I had a meeting with our adviser. He asked us to raise our hand if we did the task he assigned to us. To my surprise, out of 10 or 11 students, only 5 of us raised our hand. Our adviser then sent the other students out of his office to do what he had told them to do.

A few years ago, I was one of those students, like the ones who got sent out, who the professors think were the happy-go-lucky students. And I really was.

I didn't know how the good students studied or how they remember all those stuff or why they always want to finish projects early. I didn't know why it seemed so easy for them.

And now I've become one of those "good" students who do their homeworks early and make sure the answers are perfect, who aims for the perfect score versus the passing score, who aims to finish projects early instead of thinking of extension of deadlines.

I never expected it to feel this good. I actually feel respected now versus looked down on. I have gained self-confidence which helps me a lot nowadays. I now take the difficult lessons as challenges instead of being afraid of them. I push myself to perfection. And I like that feeling. How I wish I have done this earlier. I probably would have graduated already.

Having goals helps me feel motivated and inspired to do my best and give my best and not just satisfactory effort in everything that I have to do. I feel like I can do anything.

I have definitely transformed from a Computer Science weakling to one of the good nerds and I like that change.

I finally changed for the better. I have finally bloomed from a small bud to a beautiful flower. It took a long time, but now I know it is so worth it.

Drip Drop

I went home today with the bottom of my pants and my arms drenched. Other people who were like me probably complained and hated the weather.

One thing I found weird about myself was that I never really did find the rain annoying or stressful like most of the people I know do because they don't like their hair and/or clothes drenched in rainwater.

I don't know why I love the rain...I just do. The sound of the raindrops falling everywhere, and how they look as they drop and slowly fall on glass windows relaxes me. I could walk under the rain for a long time and never get tired. It just brings a certain comfort with it, like a comforting embrace from a friend.

Part of my love for rain, I think, was because when it rains...I feel like we're all equal. Because when it rains...it falls everywhere. Everyone who is outside gets wet even just a little. No one is really dry. We all get wet somehow.

Living in a tropical country where it is mostly hot and humid all year just makes me appreciate every rainfall. The cool breeze feels like a luxury since it is rarely cool in this country. So I'm always thankful for the rain.

I wish I could be kissed under the rain someday. ;-)

Bestfriend

My first bestfriend was our neighbor in our old apartment. We were bestfriends because we were the only girls in our compound so we played together a lot with our dolls. But after a few years they had to transfer to a new home. We didn't see each other much anymore after that and we rarely had contact with each other. I was sure I lost my first bestfriend...and sadly, I did.

The next bestfriend I had was when I was in fifth grade. I didn't get the chance to make friends during the times before that since I kept on transferring from one school to another from 2nd grade to 5th grade. On fifth grade though, my parents transferred me to another school and hired a transport service from home to school for me. She was in the same service as mine and we were apparently classmates. We bonded a lot and got closer to the point where in I went to her house a lot of times to hang out. We bonded over a lot of things since we both liked the same bands and singers and TV shows and books. Since she was one of the smartest kid in our class, she helped me with my studies too. I was getting good grades because she helped me study. She was the closest friend I ever had.

That went on until 6th grade. And then the high school entrance exams season began. She got into the high school that we both wanted. I didn't.

It was the most painful experience I had felt at 12 years old. I remember crying a lot because we were going to be separated and I would lose my bestfriend.

Though I didn't really lose her, we never talked as often as before, until it got to the point wherein we don't talk anymore. So once again, I was left without a bestfriend.

Throughout high school I never did make any solid friendships with anyone. It was not a good experience. Sure, I had acquaintances and friends I hung out with but didn't have close friends like my old bestfriend. I didn't find anyone who clicked with me.

And then college was really not the best place to find a bestfriend since everyclass you meet different people and they only last for a few months.

I had thought that maybe bestfriends weren't supposed to be searched and found. They're just something that happens. So I gave up the search and just focused on other things, especially my studies.

That's when my bestest friend appeared in the form of a Livejournal post. He posted something about the movie I liked at that moment, so I posted a comment and joined the same site he was in that was also based on that movie...and then it was the start of a lifelong friendship, the most cherished friendship of my life.

I feel so lucky to have someone who doesn't replace me or leave me for once. He enjoyed my company as much as I enjoyed his. He also listens to my rants and comforts me during hard times. He stayed with me even when people were against us. Not only is he my bestfriend, he also was my boyfriend, and now my fiancé. He was the only person who filled my loneliness and hopefully if God wills it, the person who would never leave me, who would stay with me forever.

I'm so blessed to finally have a bestfriend. I did not find him, instead, we found each other. It is a friendship that was meant-to-be. And it was so worth the wait. I can finally say I have my own bestfriend now. :-)

The Road

Have you ever woken up one day with the sun shining on your face and suddenly felt really inspired to reach your goals that you can even find real confidence in the sentence "I can do this"?

I haven't.

There were times when I wish inspiration comes that easy for me. Like, it just comes to me like a package being delivered on my front door. Because when you feel really inspired, it was like you are unstoppable...like you can do anything and everything you want to.

I had wished to feel that way all throughout my college life. For those who know me, college has been the hardest part of my life so far. I've never felt stressed like this before. When I was a high school senior preparing for college, it was so easy to think that I won't let stress get to me because I had only one thing in mind...I need to graduate from this university and that it would all be worth it in the end.

I never did quite expect that it would be this stressful.

It was even so bad that I had lost passion for my major and even started questioning my decision to take it. I started to think that I probably was too ambitious when my level of intelligence was not really enough for this since the institute I belonged in seemed to want to get rid of me, telling me that I was wasting the slot that was given to me, and that a more deserving kid should have gotten it instead.

I had thought that being rejected by the guy I thought I love was the worst rejection I had experienced in my life, until that time.

I felt the world, my world, and my future crumble into pieces. I felt stupid for thinking that I belonged there, that Computer Science is my life since I was so good at it in high school. For the longest time, I had thought that it was my so-called "calling".

At that time I felt like I had no choice but to give up and accept that I was wrong, but my family and close friends believed in me, something that I could not do.

But I did what they told me anyway, and I tried and tried again.

And I'm glad I did.

Because if I gave up, I would have never experienced the joy I am experiencing right now. The joy in studying my field, the joy in getting good grades and finishing lab exercises. The joy I feel everytime I tell my parents about my accomplishments for the day. The joy I am feeling because finally, I felt like I truly belong here. I finally felt that feeling - the feeling of being inspired.

I am now a 22 year old senior computer science student, and I am proud of it. I didn't graduate on time, but I feel like I needed a lot of time to learn to appreciate my field, to learn to embrace the hardships and to turn them as an advantage.

I took the hard road, and I tripped a lot and got injured on my way and even felt like giving up and turning around. Now that I can see my destination nearing though, all the pain and sufferings I've felt on my travel were instantly gone. I took the hard road, and made a new path. A path that was mine. I did not follow anyone's trail, I left my own.

I only have a few miles to go...and I am so pumped to reach that destination. With God as my map and compass and bottomless water jug in this long travel, I could never get lost. :-)

Am I the Same Girl?

I realized how long it has been since I last posted a blog....and there were so many things that happened in that span of time.

For starters, I'm finally a senior now. Like legit senior and if I do good in my academics, I would graduate in 2012. I'm so excited for that...so much that I'm so motivated to do good! :-)

Pax graduated already so that's another one of my motivations to finish this as soon as I can. I don't want to be left behind. :))

Also, my parents finally approve of my relationship with Pax, therefore I can now breathe easy and just concentrate on my studies without worrying much about anything else. I'm really so happy about that because it was only my parents' approval that I need to feel complete and now I feel like everything is almost perfect. Now I just need him here ;-)

Today dad celebrated his 50th birthday and well, I had a realization. I don't receive a lot of gifts, even when I was a kid I don't really get a lot of them. The only time I got a lot was when I celebrated my 18th birthday and it was because I had a big party then. I used to feel sad about that fact. The materialistic part of me used to even think that I'm not loved because I don't get as much gifts as other people do on their birthdays. That went on until I turned 19. I suddenly felt that I'm okay without gifts so long as people remember. I guess you can call it maturity of some sorts...or maybe I just got used to it that I just feel uncomfortable when I receive gifts.

Though I don't receive a lot of gifts, I do like giving them. I don't know why, but when I can I do find ways to give special people gifts on special days. I find myself feeling happy when I see the smile on their faces when they receive it.

I gave dad a shirt and a pair of shorts for his birthday because he was lacking casual clothes. And the smile on his face when he wore it today was worth all the money I spent for it. It was a really good feeling and I'm glad I get to do those things. :-)

Anyway I just felt the need to rant again and write something on this abandoned blog. I'll try to write here as often as I can because it is true that writing is therapeutic, at least for me, because no one stays long enough to hear my rants and sometimes I just really need to let them out even if no one is paying attention.

So I'm just gonna leave this here. And hopefully I'll have good thoughts again that I can write on here soon. :-)

Disappointments

...I've had a lot these past months. With myself, with other people...a lot.

I'm disappointed with myself a lot. 'Nuff said.

I'm disappointed with other people. Some I have even considered as friends. I guess it was my fault for expecting too. I shouldn't have expected from them. It was my fault for trusting and depending easily. In a way I should be thanking you for teaching me these lessons that I've forgotten. Next time, I won't give my trust easily.

It feels so much like high school drama and I hate it.

Panning

"Gold panning is mostly a manual technique of sorting gold. Wide, shallow pans are filled with sand and gravel that may contain gold. The pan is submerged in water and shaken, sorting the gold from the gravel and other material." - Wikipedia

On friendships...I didn't know it could be so complicated. I thought friendships were supposed to be easy. Like it should come naturally, right? The problem is how you keep a friendship. I'm really not an expert on this since I've apparently lost a lot of people whom I consider friends before in my life so I don't know. Maybe I'm just not born to be a good friend? Hahaha! Quite possibly. Maybe there's something wrong with me? Possibly too. Though I don't honestly know what. Hahaha! I've tried saving friendships before but it seems like they don't want it anymore so I don't force them to. It has happened a lot to me already that by now I'm really used to it and I don't really depend on anyone anymore, just with a few exceptions. I guess in my case, friends come and go along with boys. :))

I've had a lot of things happen to me lately, bad things...and I guess there's a reason why these are all happening to me, and somehow I'm thankful because it has helped me realize a lot of stuff. I can't say I don't need friends because quite a few of my friends are helping me go through this difficult phase in my life and I'm really thankful for them (you know who you are), but it's really times like this when I can separate the true friends from those who are not, like in panning where you separate the gold from other materials. So I'm somehow thankful that this has happened to me because now I know who my true friends are, and I'm thankful for them because they're sticking with me no matter how bad it is, because right now that's what I need in my life, a true friend. A true friend, not just in title because a lot of people can claim they're true friends even if just to have that title, but a true friend who's tried and tested and proven.

I wish I could give them gold medals for it. Hahaha!

1-29-2010

2 years ago, I asked him if we can be an us.

He said yes...and then ran his head under the sink. That was how cute and adorable my boyfriend at that time was.

1 year ago, we celebrated our first anniversary. Though we couldn't celebrate like "normal" couples do, like going out for dinner or movies, or going out of town, etc., it didn't matter...because while most "normal" couples could celebrate like that, not all of them have the love that he and I have for each other.

And that's what counts in anniversaries, right? Not just the years that you've just been together, but most importantly for how many days you have been falling in love with this person...in my case, it has been 731 days, and that was just the official date; I've been in love with this person for even longer than that. I still don't know what the exact date was but I knew I was starting to fall for him on the last week of October 2007, in the same month that I have met him.

Shortly after first anniversary, exactly 6 days after, this boyfriend became my fiance. He had made me the luckiest girl/woman on earth. It was the start of our forever.

Yesterday, it was our second anniversary. We still couldn't do the things that normal couples do, but I could care less about that...because at least this year, I've accomplished something that I think I haven't done before -- I made him cry...and not like the sad tears on December 2007, but this time, it was like the same tears that I shed last February 4th of 2009. A week before that things weren't going so well emotionally for both of us...we were so stressed and couldn't figure out what was wrong...but thankfully, we were able to fix the problem before our anniversary, and Paxmay is better than ever.

But I never thought it would get even better than that when our anniversary came. Honestly, I wasn't expecting anything, but he managed to make me feel so special...and once again, the luckiest girl/woman in the whole world. I've never felt loved like this before. And I still think that after all this time, maybe this was all just a dream...because there is no way that I deserve this kind of person who is really so perfect for me. Everything he does makes me fall for him even more, and I really thought it wasn't possible to fall for a person even more, but I was wrong. Everyday, I'm falling even more in love with him...I know it sounds like a cheesy line from a song or a movie, but these words have never spoken to me until yesterday.

Many times I have been envious of other couples that I see, usually when I'm walking alone around the campus, or browsing Facebook and other sites. Whenever I see them holding hands, taking pictures together, going on dates, I used to feel bitter because for now I couldn't have that "normal" couple thing. I couldn't have kisses or hugs, I couldn't hold his hand, and everyday I keep on wishing that he was with me. But then I see these same couples fall apart, and eventually break-up, I know guys who cheat while they were still together...and through those things I have realized how lucky I am. I have the most understanding, patient, honest, faithful, funniest and not to mention the cutest guy ever (who apparently looks like Jesse Bradford...I like My Sassy Girl so much more now). And while these couples have "now"...I have this future, and I'm holding on to the promise of 2014. =)

Like how he had said in his blog, I still also couldn't understand how he could say he's luckier...because I really think I'm luckier. I'm just this simple, normal, boring girl, and out of all the girls who are after him, he chose me, the one who was farthest from him. I don't understand why, though he is always trying to make me see...but I just couldn't wrap my head around it. One thing's for sure, I'm definitely not complaining.

So love, if you're reading this, I just want to thank you once again for loving me and accepting me as I am, for being honest and faithful, for turning my bad days into really amazing ones, for making me feel special and beautiful, and most importantly for staying with me even if I have many crazy hormonal moments which I couldn't control, and most especially thank you for staying when everyone was against us. Thank you for sharing yourself with me. I know I still don't deserve a guy like you, but God blessed me with you, and I would never complain. I thank God for you everyday. =)

I love you so so so so so so sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much :-*>:D< and so much more than words can express. =)

Here's to our forever. =)

21st...part II

I'm speechless. :-)

I love You, God. :-)

I love my family. :-)

I love my SF's. :-)

I love my college friends. :-)

I love my twinny. :-)

I love Pax...very much so. :-)



I am so blessed for all these blessings in my life. Thank You, Lord for blessing me with another year to fulfill my missions in life. :-)

21st

So far...I'm happy...but I feel like something's missing still. So I'm still not completely happy. I really appreciate the greetings though. I'm really thankful for those. :-)

But I still feel incomplete. *sighs*

I honestly don't know what to say

I wanted to blog since yesterday...well actually, the days before that already. But it seemed like I couldn't form any intelligent words. All I know is that I was so angry, so mad, so frustrated...yeah, you get the point. You know it's bad when there's homicidal thoughts involved. I never liked violence, but at that point I just wanted to start already and go against what I believe in. I wanted to attack, to let them know what they did and are still doing is beyond wrong. Maybe I'm exaggerating, but can you blame me? I feel like I've been stepped on, kick to the curb, like I've been beaten up by a gang and was just left lying there holding on to life. That was what I really felt. I felt like I've been pushed aside...and really far because I'm not important to them, because we're not friends...and my fiance is more important to them, I don't matter. It might seem like a little thing to them, or it might mean nothing to them...but I'm just fed up...tired of keeping all of these feelings inside, pretending that I'm okay with what they were doing to me, pretending that I'm fine, because I'm being the good fiancee of their friend who they keep flirting with...and like what Taylor Swift had said in her song..."bulletproof". I'm done with the good girl act. I'm through playing nice.

I'm ready to attack anytime soon. Just you wait. Try me.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Some people are just disrespectful in so many ways. The world is so full of douchebags now. Not saying I'm perfect, but really...I'm at least trying my best to be respectful towards other people at all times, even those who don't deserve it.



A little respect is all I ask.



Avoid flirting with a taken person. It's just disrespectful to the other person that person you're flirting with is. If it's nothing to you, well it certainly is not just nothing to me.



Plurk should be shut down.



*end of rant*

Gifts

Wishlists are everywhere during this time of the year. I used to make one too, but I never get anything in that list no matter how long that list is and because of it, I used to get disappointed and sulk. I'm not even exaggerating, it's true. Which is why this time, no more wishlists for me, and I think it's time to be more matured about this.

I rarely receive material gifts during this season, even if December is Christmas month AND my birth month. I'm not complaining though. It taught me to enjoy what I have and be contented with it, and it also taught me to really appreciate what Christmas is all about...and that's the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ. I never forget to greet Him every Christmas eve and morning, it makes me really happy. And I really really love Christmas, and I'm now glad that for me, it doesn't mean numerous gifts or any other material stuff on Christmas day...because it won't bring me any disappointments if I don't get what I want, I could just enjoy Christmas and the unexplainable happiness it brings. And if I get gifts from people, I can't help but feel really happy because I'm not asking for anything but they still take the time to give me something.

Once the -ber month comes in, I can't help but feel excited. It's like the little kid in me is being awakened and I can't help but play Christmas songs so early...I just get really excited. I love Christmas...I love the happiness it brings to everyone...the family bonding and everything, spending it with your loved ones...if I'm surrounded with the people I love, that's already a gift for me. I've learned not to ask for anything anymore especially to my parents, and I'm glad. This year has been tough financially-speaking for our family and I'm already thankful enough that we are still complete, that we can still eat three meals a day, go to work/school, have at least decent clothes to wear and that we still have the stuff that we need for school/work such as the computers and the phones. That's also gift enough for me. Having true friends that I can count on anytime is a gift too. The love of my life, though he is far for now, still loves me as much as I love him...and I'm really thankful for that.

I'm glad to not have been raised with material things...because it makes me appreciate the more important things in life and what Christmas is really about...and it's about love. :)

Merry Christmas!

xoxo

P.S. Though if I could ask for one material thing...plane tickets, please? :))

*Mushy* :">

I've been feeling particularly mushy for more than a week now...and I have to blame one person for that...my very special handsome someone :-P I'm so glad that the emo-ness of the past weeks have been totally replaced by this overwhelming mushy feeling and romantic mood. It feels like everything's so new again, like when we've just begun, and it feels so amazing, that it even made being sick bearable. =)

On a random note (no worries, this is kinda related), I heard the new Glee songs and I was surprised that one of the songs that they covered for this week's episode was Crush by Jennifer Paige...and I had that song as my status in my AIM before for Pax...too bad I lost the courage to put it up when he was actually online. It was so lame...but yeah...it was my song for him before when I was just starting to fall for him. :))

Anyways, I'm really really really happy now and I hope to make this last forever. I'm determined. =)

*hugs*

please? :(

I hate feeling emo :(

Being a superhero's leading lady

Lois Lane, Mary Jane...it must be hard to be like them. They both have a superhero for a boyfriend/husband who is always needed anytime, anywhere, when the situation calls for his help and most of the time, it can't wait and it's their duty and responsibility to help people in need. What if they were in the middle of a date or just their couple time and people suddenly need his help? Then he has to set it aside and help the people first. But of course, the girl should understand and accept the fact that other people need him too. It's part of the package. And if I were in their place I'd think it's actually an honor to be with a superhero because at least in between his busy and in demand schedule, he still finds time to be with his leading lady, even for just a short but sweet while, and even if she can't have him fully yet, at least she has most of him. :)

Borderline

This is not a reference to a Madonna song. :-P I felt inspired suddenly last night while I was in bed and I decided I'm gonna write about it today.

In this blog I'm gonna talk about my version of the ups and downs of being friends with a member of the opposite sex. My version, which means what I'm gonna tell here is just based on my experiences and observations. It may not be true in your case, but it's true in mine. This also does not apply to all guys, but from some guys I've been friends with.

It's fun having guy friends. In my honest opinion, it's actually easier to make friends with guys than girls. Maybe because, like Pax had said, girls innately hate each other, which I'm starting to see now too. Hahaha! In my 17 years of experience of making friends, it really takes some effort to make girl friends. Whereas when I made friends with guys, all it took was just small talk and jokes, then voila...instant guy friend. A guy friend is also easier to talk to. They rarely get offended by what you say, unless it's really below-the-belt offensive or that guy is super sensitive. Sometimes they take it as a joke instead. For a girl like me who sometimes can't control what she says out loud, that is really helpful. When I'm with the girls, I always have to control what I say because girls are even more sensitive (not all, but most) and I know that, even I'm guilty of it. So basically I have an easier time being myself with the guys other than with the girls.

The downside (it depends though, it's not always a downside) of this though is that borderline of friendship. It's true that you can't help who you fall for, so you can fall easily for your guy friend. I mean this has happened to me twice already, when I was 17-18 I fell for my bestfriend and it almost ruined our friendship but we recovered from it, thank God. And then when I was 18 turning to 19, I once again fell for my newest bestfriend at that time, and the advantage of being bestfriends is that we know each other really well in such a short time that we've spent with each other that when we got together it was really easy for us already, we didn't have to adjust much.

It gets difficult though when the feeling is not mutual. You might fall for your friend but the friend wants to be just that...a friend, nothing more, nothing less. This is like the classic story already. The unrequited love...we all know that, hell there are lots of songs about that. But sometimes, it just isn't meant to be. This also has happened to me already, a friend has fallen for me but I don't feel the same way, and I had fallen for a friend but he doesn't feel the same way. It's hard when you want to cross that borderline, because you put the friendship at risk. I have already lost some friends because of this, but maybe it just really isn't meant to be. Like that time before when I have avoided this person who used to be my friend, I avoided him because I felt uncomfortable with what he was saying to me and his actions towards me too and the way he looks at me, and he even misunderstood my niceness as being interested to him when in truth I was just really comfortable with us being friends. So I avoided him and he got mad and it was the end of our friendship. If you're in that situation and you would want to save that friendship, that's probably the best thing you could do...just accept the fact that you're probably just better off as friends and don't hope for anything more, rather just enjoy the friendship, and if you were in my situation, honesty is the best policy. Just tell him/her the truth that you just want to stay friends and that it was making you uncomfortable so he/she would be aware instead of giving him/her false hopes. It's really a hard thing to do because people sometimes would get defensive and say that it was not his/her intention anyways, when it was in fact obvious, but at least you were honest that you were feeling uncomfortable, that would at least make him/her aware.

And wow...this blog is long so I'mma stop rambling now. And once again, I'm gonna repeat, this was just based on my experiences and observations, so you're free to agree or disagree, it's not applicable to all, I just wanted to share my view on this matter. Well I hope you learned something at least. :)

21st Month :D

We've reached our 21st month :D Yay! :D I'm still so happy and so in love with you love, and it grows even stronger as time passes. I love you so so so soooooooooooooooooo much, my love, my Wonder Boy. :D

Only a few months now before our 2nd year together. And I'm so freakin' excited. :D

I Wish We Were Closer To Each Other

If we were closer...he could give me the hugs and kisses I need especially on a bad day. Most of the time he's the only one who can really make me feel better and I think it's unfair that he's on the other side of the world. I wish he was here instead. Only he knows how to take care of me and make me feel better. I can tell everything to him and he doesn't judge me. Heck, he even knows me better than most people I know who are closer to me physically and he understands me better maybe because we're a couple of misunderstood people but it makes us more epic. We're basically soul mates. And no one could ever replace him and what we have.

I just wish I could get him here right now.

On sembreak...and feeling used

So my first semester finally ended last week, last Wednesday to be exact. I wasn't sure how to feel about it at first. Of course, part of me was so relieved that finally, requirements and deadlines and all those academic pressures are over for at least two weeks. And then part of me is still nervous about finding out the results of your hard work...could they be enough to save myself from a 5? One said apparently not enough. *sigh*

But still, so far I know I've passed two subjects already. The other two are still unknown at the moment and they're making me nervous still. Hahaha! But what the heck, last weekend I decided to forget it for a moment and to just enjoy that time with my SF's and plus one's. It was fun and tiring, and I did miss sleep. Hahaha!

Now...feeling used...why?

I don't know either. I just feel like for some reason I'm being used. I mean, I'm not one to ask for something in return when I give, but still...there's a certain limit to that. Sometimes I feel like people only talk to me when they need something, and it sucks, but I still give anyways...hoping that it would be appreciated. Sadly, I don't even feel that much appreciated. *sigh*

Well anyway, I guess I'll just enjoy these weeks without classes while I can. Yay for "us" time love. :D

Yay for Paxmay's 21st month. :D