20th Love Month :)

Today, September 29th of the year 2009, is Paxmay's 20th month of being an epic couple. We're only a few months away from our 2nd year together, and I couldn't help but be excited. I know that the length of time that you have been together doesn't really matter, but I still can't help but let out a happy sigh everytime I think of how long we have been together already, though in all honesty, it still feels a lot longer than that. :)

So it's been 1 year and 8 months and I still fail at words...sorry love...I just really couldn't express how happy I am with you. You're my everything...and I love you so so so soooooooooooooooooooo much and more and more each day. :) And yes, it's actually possible to love you more, I do. :-P

And now I'm just really excited and looking forward to be with you forever love. :-)

No Directions

I'm sick at the moment typing on my phone in my bed, and I'm sorry for the emo post. I can't help it.

I've been asking myself lately what am I really good at...and I couldn't think of an answer. Whatever I could think of, there's always someone else who's doing a better job at it. I don't excel at anything...I'm not special.

Not only that, but I also feel like in general, I'm not special. I don't know if people would even notice if I'm gone. Maybe just two persons would. I don't know my worth anymore.

I'm just feeling lost at the moment and I need to find myself again. I think I have to do what my friend did...take a break from social networking sites and just visit them when I need to. I will be using IM of course but will only talk to a few people. I just need a break, or recharge as Pax had said. Hopefully something good will come from this.

It Still Has The Same Effect :-)

I've just gone to check Multiply for updates from some of my teachers (they upload their slides there and post updates about our exams, etc.) when I went to check on my page and Pax's Multiply page. I haven't really opened it for a long time now, and looking at Pax's posts back then made me smile a lot, especially the one he posted on February 4th. Reading that one almost made me cry again, it really still has the same effect -- heart beating wildly and teary eyes. It was the start of our forever, and even if we lack the ring for now, I still feel so complete knowing that I'm his and he's mine. :-) We've had a weird week, it was probably just the stress and sickness going on, but reading that makes me forget everything else and just think of him and me and how we really are perfect for each other and that he's always going to be the only one for me, and it makes me feel like I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

*happy sigh*

I just had to let it out. :-)

I'm ready to watch Glee...I think.

Glee is downloading now at the time that I'm writing this. Finally.

A few people whom I've talked to knows why I couldn't watch Glee, at least before. I mean, it's a really good show with good music and such...it's actually the kind of show that would get me hooked on it fast and when I saw the previews for it back then I really wanted to watch it already. One thing was holding me back though, and getting over it was a really big leap for me. It seems silly, but it's really true...I'm insane like this...and maybe that's why I'm being compared to Rachel. :))

So the real reason why I couldn't watch it (I tried before though, but it was just...bad) was because the Finn-Quinn-Rachel love triangle reminds me of um...some things from the past. I had a similar thing happen to me. I fell for the perfect guy who happened to be my best friend, but he had a girlfriend at that time. And the girlfriend was this manipulative witch (or bitch, slut, whore...or slore) and ironically, she's a blonde too. :)) The girlfriend basically made me feel like I'm nothing special, that I have no place in the perfect guy's life. :)) She was really evil...she knew my weak spots and how to hit them. She flirted with the perfect guy in places that she knew I would see them, and she made sure to remind me everyday that it was her who won and I was the loser. It was really like we were in a movie or something, and I wasn't liking it. The thing is, it would have been okay if I wasn't affected at all...but everytime I see them say sweet things to each other, or at least just the girl, it was like I was being stabbed in the chest over and over again, and like I was being punched in the stomach...it was so bad that I threw up and cried everytime. I hated the fact that I got so affected because it meant that she was really winning. Of course I didn't let the perfect guy know about that...because I mean...I thought I was in no place to say things like that. How could I tell him that I get hurt everytime they talk, everytime she flirts with him, when I am in no place to get hurt or jealous anyways...I was just the bestfriend and she was the girlfriend. It went on for almost 2 months and I seriously thought of just giving up...but the one thing that made me stay was the fact that I really love this guy so much...and if it's the only way that we can be close...if I just had to be his friend, then I would just take that. But of course, anyone who knows Paxmay knows that we did end up together, and it was the start of an epic love story.

Which is why when I tried to watch Glee the first time, and seeing Finn with Quinn, it was like opening closed wounds again. Memories started rushing back in my mind, especially when I watched a video of Rachel singing Take A Bow...I had a lot of moments like that...singing emo songs with my hairbrush and crying. :)) It got to the point that I felt this chest pain and it wouldn't go for hours...it was that bad. :)) I guess you can call that trauma from what had happened before. But talking to Pax about it again and clearing things up somehow helped me realize a lot of things and just focus on the better part.

The past doesn't matter, what matters is now. It was a quote from the movie "If Only" and I remembered how that line hit me. I realized today that the slore may have had him first, but he and I shared a whole lot more special moments together, even before we got together. Even just as bestfriends we had a lot of special memories together, and we had a special bond that he and the slore didn't have...we're bestfriends. I know him much better than she does. And the most important thing of it all is that I got his promise of marriage...and realizing that was really enough for me to feel amazing again. :-)

So I think I'm prepared enough now to be able to watch Glee. Well...here it goes.


EDIT: It's official...I really am as insane as Rachel. :))

I need hugs delivered from 8,500 miles away.

I need special hugs right now...I feel lonely and I wouldn't be happy again until tomorrow evening. :-(

*sighs*

Random Ramblings 1.1

*Random Ramblings 1.0 is in Multiply. And I do mean it when I say this post is just...random. Read at your own risk.*

-Start of RR1.1-

I've come to realize my life seems so routinary. On weekdays I wake up, eat breakfast, take a shower, brush my teeth, go to my classes, go home, do homeworks or projects, sometimes I meet up with friends when I have time...this routine has been going on since I was in high school. Looking at it now, it's not exciting at all. I mean, no offense to my friends, I do have fun when I am with them, but still...it seems like there's something missing still.

I don't really know why I'm writing about this right now...maybe I'm just bored, and also it feels good to be able to express some thoughts in my head, whether people pay attention to this or not, I've at least let this out. I never really have the chance to tell other people about my life, it just seems like no one's interested and also, I don't know where to start. I've had lots of experience before where people ask me to tell them about my life, but I never get to finish my story because either I was interrupted or they just left. :)) So I think I'm glad I made an account in this blogging site, I can't really express thoughts like this on my multiply. I'm really sorry about this random post...this is just how my mind works most of the time...a lot of people can't really keep up...and this is another proof that Pax is magic. :))

Speaking of Pax, I've told him this already but I'm gonna share it here too...he's really the only one in my life who can keep me sane by being insane...if that makes sense at all. :)) He's the only one who makes my life exciting right now, at least in my definition of exciting. Once again, I love my friends, but still...I don't get to do a lot of the things I want to do with them, just some. Pax and I are basically soulmates, and he's the only one who can understand my addiction to some things *lawls*. I'm really lucky and blessed to have him. :-) I love you so much, love. :-*>:D< *Playing in the background: I'm tired of being alone, so hurry up and get here...I'm so tired of being alone, so hurry up and get here...get here...*


-End of RR1.1-

The Magic Phrase

It's normal for a couple to have misunderstandings...even for a not-so-normal couple like us. A lot of people who know us probably think we don't fight or we don't have moments like that, and well...it's slightly true. We don't fight, but we also have moments where in one of us would say something that we don't really mean to (this is usually me, because I'm a victim of monthly visits which is like...the evil thoughts possess my mind monthly) and then realize later that it has hurt the other...and during those times, one of us would leave to breathe (which is usually Pax) and leaving the other to breathe as well... and there, while we're apart we would realize what had went wrong, so when the other comes back...we talk calmly about it and finally make up. And while I don't really like the moments where we misunderstand each other like that, I cherish the moments where we make up because then we're reminded why we love each other in the first place, and it's during those moments that it feels like we're falling in love with each other all over again...just like the first time.

But what I really love after those moments is the moment he says those three sweet words...that phrase that has the power to erase all bad memories and thoughts...and just leaves everything good. The moment he says "I love you", it's like...(as cheesy as it sounds) magic. :-)

So I guess it's really true that a little bit of "fighting" is healthy for a relationship, only because making up makes everything sweeter. Just a little bit of it though. :-P